How to get superpowers

I’m ill. I haven’t felt this sick in a long time. It’s like I’m having a chainsaw going rampage in my stomach, or a hammer is trying to slam all my internal organs upwards. I’m nauseous, and that’s awful. Really awful. Because I have emetophobia. For those of you who don’t know: emetophobia is the fear of throwing up. I must NOT throw up. It’s forbidden. I’m now quietly sitting at my desk, breathing as little as possible through my nose. I’m also taking small sips of water.

Last time I felt this sick, was when I was around 9 years old. I wanted to change the world, so I decided I only needed to become all powerful. I knew exactly how to get it done. It was a sunny spring day and I was in the back yard. I knew superpowers didn’t exist. However, that might be the case because no one ever did the right thing in order to get superpowers. I felt that with my intelligence and potential to become a professor, I was going to be the one to do it. I would get superpowers that day. And then change the world.

All I had to do, was do things that no one in the world ever did before until I did the thing that spontaneously appears to give one superpowers.

So I gathered some stones, put them in the center of my sandbox, and ran around them in circles. First a few circles clockwise – then a few counterclockwise. Nothing happened, so apparently, none of this was the thing that would give me superpowers. So I invited the 6 year old kid next door to sit in the middle of the sandbox while I’d run in circles around him. Maybe there shouldn’t be stones in the middle, but a person. I must admit, the idea took me back for a moment. If I accidentally did the thing that gives someone superpowers, it could also be the other person who ends up accidentally getting superpowers! I took the risk and tried anyway. He did as I asked and I ran in circles around him. First a few circles clockwise – then a few counterclockwise. I ran with arms up, arms sideways, arms down. It confused my friend, but that was because I didn’t tell him I was trying to get superpowers. Nothing happened. That’s when I began to realize how infinitely many things you could do that were never done before.

I didn’t give up.

I dug holes in the ground in the hope to accidentally find some kind of magical rock that would give me superpowers.

I rambled long, non-existing, garbage words, in the hope to accidentally say the magic spell that would give me superpowers.

I wrote “superpowers” on a piece of paper and buried it in my cat’s litterbox, because surely no one ever came up with the idea of having your wish fulfilled by burying it in a litterbox.

Then it hit me. It was so simple I felt stupid I couldn’t come up with it before.

I had to brew a magic potion.

The magic potion would simply be a combination of ingredients surely no one ever came up with before. My back yard was full of different plants and I figured that as long as I’d follow my instinct, I would automatically gravitate towards the right herbs. So I let destiny guide me, I gathered many leaves and berries, ground them together in a bowl, pressed juice from them, and collected all of it in an empty perfume bottle I found at home, because perfume bottles already look the part when it comes to magical potions. It wasn’t finished yet. It was missing one important ingredient.

That’s it! Of course! How could I have been so blind?

Powdered rocks.

The moment was there. The world was never going to be the same again. I ad-libbed a weird magic spell, and gulped down the entire bottle. It was the worst taste imaginable, but it was worth getting superpowers.

Ten minutes after, the aftertaste was gone and I felt great! I tried lifting my house but it didn’t work so I (and the world) had to be patient.

Twenty minutes after that, however, I felt horrible. It started with sharp stings in my stomach, turning into a terrible, burning pain and nausea. I went to bed and had to remain there for two days. My parents didn’t know what was going on, because I kept the magic potion a secret. Superheroes have secret identities, after all.

I never got my superpowers. I got emetophobia.

I’m feeling much better right now, but still not good enough to lift a house.

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